Setting the Stage

When M and I got married we said we would wait five years before having children.  Of course, I caught baby fever our first year married!  (M would argue I had it when he met me!).  However, M caught the fever last November when good friends of ours were expecting their first.  At that time, I had given up on M wanting to have children any time soon and decided I was going to go back to school.  When I told M I wanted to return to college, he said "I thought we were going to have a baby."  I was caught off guard by his response, thinking that he was determined to stick to our original five-year-plan.  That night we decided that I would go back to school in January and we would start trying for a baby the following July.

When July came, to say I was excited would be a huge understatement.  I was sure it would happen that first month and nine months later we would have a beautiful child.  However, it did not happen that first month, nor the second or the third.  I was discouraged.  Everyone kept telling me to just relax, it will happen.  Now I know I am bit of a control freak, but it was more than that.  I wanted to have a baby so bad that my heart ached.  Those first three months I tried everything.  July, I was overly cautious about everything I did, afraid to even skip without a blessing from the Doctor.  When it did not happen in July, I decided to take a new approach.  August I threw caution to the wind and almost went out of my way to be reckless.  (I know it sounds irresponsible, but I thought if I was not so fixated on being good, "it would just happen")  When August was not successful, I tried this again in September.  However, September was not our month either.  I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen for us.  After having lunch with my two best friends (they brought their newborns) I went home and cried in M's arms.  I felt like I was being punished and did not understand what we were doing wrong.  For both my friends it happened the first month, no problems.  (Now, I know what you are probably thinking, that these are extreme cases and it normally takes four to six months to get pregnant.)  I knew this too, but I guess I thought I was more than average.  October brought another opportunity to make a baby.  I decided that I would stop trying what everyone else did and just be myself.  I poured my energy into work, school, and exercising, trying to keep my mind off the thing that I could not control.